Designer: Infravermelho
Resources: 1 2

the last day im gonna see him in a long time. he's gone to virginia for 2 months for work today. back in july he was in massachuetts for work again. i thought that it wouldnt be so bad because i tell myself i dont feel much for him. i know why i do it....to guard my heart. ive learned from my past and now im holding my heart tightly, maybe TOO tightly. as he laid his big ol head on my lap and was just sleepin there, i was just sittin there tellin myself, wake him up, tell him, what are you waiting for? but i just couldnt. i got so nervous because a "what if" moment played in my mind. what if i tell him how i feel, that im feeling more than i should, and i want, no NEED to know, if at least something SIMILIAR is felt. but nobody wants to pour their heart out if its not gonna get the same in return. its like you telling someone just flat out, "i love you" and they look at you, probably smile, and just say "okay". doesnt even say it back or anything. you know how CRUSHED you would feel? lemmie tell you, VERY. i dont want that to happen. like, i REALLY dont want that to happen....

so we just sat up in bed, talking about this whole virginia thing. and thats when he said , "i might just never come back." and i looked at him so quickly, like, "what ?" and he started tellin me if he liked it down there he might buy a house, started explaining how its cheap to live down there, how he might just buy the house, stay for the winter, come back to jersey for school in the spring...
"im gonna come back..."
"i have family here..."
all i cud was think, "ok..what about me...US?" but as i felt like i wanted to speak, my vocal cords tightened up AGAIN and i didnt ask. i dont know why it happens, but it does. and i know your thinkin, well call him, ask him then but...questions like those u just have to ask face to face because everything matters not just the answer...the facial expression they make, body movement..the answer can say one thing and their physical can say a whole different thing....

so as he stood up and had his arms out for me to give him a hug, i started to feel SO sad that he was leaving. and it kinda of just clicked in my head, well maybe you are falling for this fool. [ lol ] at first it felt like he wasnt even huggin me, i looked at him and i said, "shit, can u hug me like u mean it at least." and he was like "ahh shut up." and he wrapped his arms around me more and we hugged for a min. as soon as he walked out the door, i was just really still, and i started actually crying. its about 5-6 months we been together...i got use to him so much...got use to his smartass comments, his habits, his love for effin baseball, the shit he liked to eat, i got use to everything about him...for him to say he might just not come back, idk, it did something to me.

so of course, i went to my mom and i explained to her how i felt. and like i KNOW i should, she told me i need to ask him. "you dont wanna waste your time either.." yea, thanks mom. she doesnt believe hes gonna do any of the things he said he was, i.e buyin the house etc. part of me thinks that too but idk theres that room for possibility. i know what i NEED to do but its SO HARD. [ no homo; lol ] i think i am starting to love him, but im trying to catch myself before it gets deeper.

sometimes i feel he DOES have feelings, SOME type of feelings for me. his actions speak confusing words. if he didnt care about me or felt anything, why would he bring me food when i havent ate, why would he give me money for food in my house, why he stay with me after my mom gave us problems, why would he CALL her to purposely try to make things better, why would he come see at the end of the day regardless of the time, why would he introduce me to his brother, why would he want me to go to school and better myself if he didnt care, if this is just a fling or sex thing for him, its so many things that say differently so it makes me wonder. yesterday was the last day we would see each other for a while, and he didnt even TRY to have sex. which surprised the HELL outta me. idk. i know what needs to be done, i just need to JUST DO IT, like nike. [ lmao ]


" maybe i wanted to hear it so bad that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart. " ___margaret cho