Designer: Infravermelho
Resources: 1 2

i dont mean LAME, or LOSER, or LEMON, or LATHARGIC, or anything else that sounds retarded. i mean the word guys DREAD to say, females cry about and people DREAM about. im talkin about LOVE.

what is about LOVE that makes us go goo goo ga ga over somebody else? maybe its just the simple thought of being able to SAY you love someone, that draws us to it. i mean, everyone sounds SO much happier sayin "i love him" rather than, "yes, im single" , dont they? maybe its just to end all future what if's? maybe people FORCE them selves to either love someone or force them selves to say it, just to simply avoid future relationships that will just cause heart break.

is it the way she smiles or laughs that drives him crazy? or is it the way he talks, his smooth ways that makes you just admire him as soon as he walks in the door. maybe its his dimples that are so deep in his cheeks that make u say "Aww" and melt instantly. or maybe its the way she says your name that just gives you goosebumps. whatever it is, its there. whether its explainable or not.

ive been through so much relationship DRAMA that theres been times where i seriously said, something is wrong with me im gonna be alone forever. i always found a flaw right after i began to think something or someone was absolutely perfect. examples, shall we? -Ehm !

Now, there was JUSTIN who thought he was the king of the world. he thought he was better than EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING. Now even though i felt like i truely did love him, his conceitedness cut, slashed, and burned our relationship. [ OVER IN 7 MONTHS ]NEXT !

AJ. now he was my first. he showed me what it was like to be wild and carefree and at the same time careLESS. my family hated him, and my uncle beat him up. haha !
[ OVER IN 3 MONTHS ] NEXT!

MAG. He thought hustlin was a good job and he treated me like shit. Never loved him. To the point one night he got high, kicked me out his crib. Cursed him out and never seen him since ! He hits me up from time to time. Bitch. [OVER IN ONE MONTH]

HEATH. -sigh- i dont know WHAT is was about him. But this was the relationhip that changed my prospective on LOVE. from the beginning he had a girlfriend, and YES ill admit i tried to break them up, but he said he wasnt happy so it wasnt causin any harm. But...push come to shove, things happened and ended badly. He was my best friend and i cried for a good month after him. We dont talk anymore. [OVER IN 4 MONTHS]

ELIJAH- CURRENT BOYFRIEND. we have our ups and downs but this relationship is verrryyy different from the rest. maybe becuz hes older. he can be so perfect at times and then so HORRIBLE at others. i feel like i love him or i want to love him so bad but because of the jackasses above, i feel like he wont feel the same and ill get hurt...again. never underestimate the power of denial. i find myself thinkin of him more, and missin him wayy more. he's changed me in some ways and he was the only one who stayed with me thru everything my mom put me thru in the beginning. maybe thats why im so attached. everytime i wanna leave , i cant.


im so attracted to him. he has his moments where he can be so funny and silly. and others so serious. i feel safe with him, like hes always wanted to help me grow. maybe its his dimples when he does smile at me. the way he hugs me before he leaves......

is that love?

hmm..been a minute since i updated my blog. just been busy and lazy to sit here and write. BUT im back kiddos.
okay so ..
BAM # 1. things with me and the boyfriend are gettin better minus the fact hes a insecure prick. it seems like havin a male friend bothers him and i dont kno what exactly to do to comfort his insecurities. gotta think about that one.
BAM # 2. i registered for my classes. i feel SO proud of myself. for once i feel like im doing things on my own and slowly but surely im gonna get to the top . dont cha think? :]
BAM #3. i went to the beach yesterday and i had HELLA fun. i mean goin to the beach kind of attacks my self esteem cuz i see all these pencil shaped females in skimpy suits and i always end up lookin at my body and comparing it to theirs and then lettin out a big sigh. nothin a diet and exercise cant do tho !
BAM #4. i still dont have a job. even tho i need to call BABIES R US and bother about a interview. this time I WONT get lost on my way to the interview. haha.
BAM #5. i need to do suttin for the layout cuz my page is lookin dull and dark to me. so later on i just might mess around wit PSP.
BAM #6. i need more friends. help me out ?
BAM #7. Jeff dunham is the first ventriloquist ive seen and he's pretty funny. example. well enjoy the day kiddos.

welp.

the title says it all.

im in this relationship where i dont know if i SHOULD be in it. ive been confused. i wanna feel so many things for him but i dont think its meant for me to even feel it. i know for a fact that fool doesnt love me. i mean the other day he basically gave me a speech about how i was basically a loser. not the exact words tho.


im young and i want somebody who i can love. ive always said that i wanted someone who i can turn to and say, hey, we've been thru hell and heaven together. and whatever we gone thru we've worked out. sometimes i wanna smack u when u get on my nerves but thats human nature and i love you.


is that SOOOOOOO hard?? ive been thru drama with my mom in the beginning but things have changed SOOO much for the better and its like it doesnt seem to have any effect. he always said, i cant wait til ya moms chills out, til she gets off ya back. and its like i been expecting so many good things after that. so now that she IS off my back, what now?


i'll tell you. NOTHING has happened. he use to wanna take me out to eat and now, he expects ME to make his ass suttin. the guy works hard all day and all, but do u see a ring on my finger? u see any babies runnin around?? NO and NO.


im feelin loveless and out of place, unappreciated and sometimes stepped on. but they say if it has the potential to last and be something great, you should work for it. ive told him before how i feel. i said that i wanna feel so many things for him and as soon as i do, something happens to make me wanna take it back becuz im scared im the only one feeling a certain way.


he just nodded, if u were wonderin what he said.


today he made it clear he doesnt trust me.

i told him about a friend of mine, BRANDON, which is my best fuckin friend since i was 5 years old. he came down from florida for the summer & hes coming over tomorrow & spendin the weekend with me & my mom. its not like we're gonna be in the house doing nothin, we're gonna be out in a barbeque & the movies. thats why i love chillin with brandon. we have fun. we actually do stuff. like last year !


but. apparently, elijah feels bothered by it. and in a way i knew he would. which is why i shouldnt have said anything but if i cant tell him then that doesnt show anything good. he said, "im trying to put it on the other foot so i wont feel a certain way about it but i cant. i mean its like, what if i had a friend that i known since i was growing up spend the weekend with me? if she spendin the weekend with me it aint no friendship thing"....and i kept asking him. does it bother u? does it bother u? and he wud say no. even though i know it did. but thats my friend. i known him since forever. im not even attracted to him to even wanna do something that would mess up our friendship. thats my therapist. i tell him everything INCLUDING elijah.


he said he doesnt trust any females. "its not you specifically, its just females in general." which sounded STUPID, seein as that i AM a female so i would be included in that general group he was talkin about. i dont know. then another thought comes into my head that maybe i DO love him already and im in denial. im just tellin myself, no no no so i wont get hurt again. i put this wall up so he wont get too close to me. i feel like hes so insecure for no reason. ive never given him a reason to not trust me. if somebody shudnt be trustin somebody it shud be me not trustin him. in the beginning he lied about his age and his last name. so WTF.


i think im too nice for him. i think that even though he stayed with me when my mom was on her shit, im not gonna bow down and act like i owe him my life. i appreciate him alot for staying and i appreciate everything he did but it takes 2. i also went thru drama and more than HE did becuz i LIVED with my mom thru that crap we went thru.


i dont know what to do...

denial is such a powerful thing.

and i think maybe im IN it.



[sigh] what should i do...

today was alright. i thought it would be exciting buttt it kinda was a bit of a disappointment...

i went to register for my college classes. Im gonna have classes on monday, weds, thurs. which isnt bad at ALL. so i was all excited and i picked the classes out with my advisor and all, so when i go to the register window the lady tells me to go back to my advisor becuz she cant put it in cuz my application is incomplete. =|

so i go back and tell her and she looks in to it and shes says that they need an official copy of my high school transcript. which pisses mee off cuz i called my high school counsler a while back and left her a message on her voicemail where to send it to specifically. the day i found i passed my placement test last week my counsler in the college told me they had a copy of my transcipt but it didnt have no graduation date on it. O_o . what kind of shit is that???

i was so pumped to get this over with and i got shut down. REEEEEEJECTED ! lmao! my advisor was like that they can probably register my classes but my application would be on a hold until they get the transcript. ughhh! and its summer so its probably gonna be a hassle to get. ah well. im hoping everything goes good. =/

hmm, other than that, everything else was okay. spoke to my boyfriend more than i usually would which was kinda odd to me. idk it was a good thing but i got use to havin small talk with him so that long conversation was weird. LOL. i feel me and him are kinda gettin better after that talk we had. ugh u dont wanna know and i dont wanna type it .

tomorrows that interview at BABIES R US, pray i get the job guys ! :]

only problem is its the first time im gettin there. soooo theres a slight chance i MIGHT get lost. but. just a slight chance though.

qood night kiddies . eliza, out.

okay so, today wasnt really a BANGIN day but it sure was okay for most of it. it kinda went by really at a slow pace though. i shoulda done my laundry, erg. now i gotta wake up early and do it with my mom. hold on, bathroom break. [pause]

ok. im back. ahh feel better. lol. ANYWAY. what was i sayin? oh yea. the day went by slow. ugh hate days like those. didnt do anything major. i DID listen to kash's show. thats suttin i didnt do in a min. like always it was great. sumtimes i wish i cud be her for a day. shes awesome =]

welp im excited about this week. got 2 big events that cud make my life a WHOLE lot better.on tuesday i got a appointment at mercy college, which is the school i got admitted into since i passed my placement test, GO ME ! LOL. im gonna meet with an admissions counsler about my classes. i also gotta see the financial aid office and see wassup with that. i REALLY wanna go to this school BUT no money no school sooo i gotta find a way and i will. im GOING to go to college damn it!

and the second event which is the one im most nervous about is the interview at Babies R us. Not cuz its an interview but cuz idk where the damn store is ! i know how to get there cuz ive asked around and whatever but ive never been there before. soooo hopefully, god willin i dont get lost and i get the job. i need dough! lol

umm , lets see. what else. what else. aww my parakeets are sleeping. so cute annndd THAT was random.

i havent called him today. i figured i give him a lil space. not TOO much but just a lil elbow room ya kno? i hate to make him feel like im stranglin him. nobody likes that and its not good for a relationship. ive been thinkin about everything. this entire thing. and i think he's the one. even tho ive felt this way before but its kind of different this time. i feel like, whats the word? safe. hes the only one who actually STAYED with me during the bad. when the weather didnt seems unny he stayed, thats why i dont give up so easily with him. it has to mean something if he stayed thru some of the bad. im not too sure if im IN love with him tho. i kno i do have so much love FOR him but im not sure.

i guess im scared ya know.

im like afraid of being happy.

because whenever i get TOO happy, something bad ALWAYS happens.

im just hoping not this time.

PLEASE, not this time.


♥eliiza

welp, here i am. yep, right above there. i guess ill use the first post as a intro. just a few words thatll get your mind flowing with useless facts you probably dont NEED to know but probably WANNA know about me.

im 19. i live in new jersey as of feb 08. i have a confusing relationship with a man 8 years older than me. yes, he cool and awesome at times. and yes, sometimes i just picture choking him in his sleep. haha. i kid i kid. no seriously, its a joke.

im fat, phat, thick, chunky, chubby, over weight, obese, theres a new term for it every time i go to the doctors for a checkup so ehh call it as u like. and as proof so you can determine for yourself, here's a picture :


see? welp thats the end of that. i like to wear contacts. what color? grey. i had a nose ring but i lost it at the beach in coney island. speaking of coney island, i love coney island and i love the beach ! i love the color hot pink only if its radiant and bright. i dont have many friends after high school and i plan on keeping a small group close than a big group thats non trust worthy. BRANDON is my best friend, why cuz he's the best and ive known him since i was like 5. cool right? im goin to college soon. which college? MERCY college in manhattan. what major PSYCHOLOGY. why? i wanna become a psychologist. moving on ....

i love horror movies. YES ! i love GOING to the movies. the mall is cool but ive been broke most of my life so ive never really shopped there. speakin of broke, im UNEMPLOYED ; for now [ i have a interview for babies r us on weds ]. i love to be silly, goofy, funny, hilarious, u get it. i drink at times for celebration, never smoked nothin but one cigarette last year. no, im not a virgin. safe sex is great sex, kiddos. i live with my mom and my lil brother ; who is growing up too fast for my eyes.

the name extraordinariSPIRIT came from the blue. i was thinkin of something that would describe me well, that wasnt a simple word like, " different, special, fresh, fly " etc etc. as ya get to know me and read about my life in this here blog, youll see for urself that i truly do have an extraordinary spirit. =]

and for the last fact, its 3:35AM & im just NOW sleepy so ill be heading to bed. bbl.



♥ e l ii z a