Designer: Infravermelho
Resources: 1 2

welp.

the title says it all.

im in this relationship where i dont know if i SHOULD be in it. ive been confused. i wanna feel so many things for him but i dont think its meant for me to even feel it. i know for a fact that fool doesnt love me. i mean the other day he basically gave me a speech about how i was basically a loser. not the exact words tho.


im young and i want somebody who i can love. ive always said that i wanted someone who i can turn to and say, hey, we've been thru hell and heaven together. and whatever we gone thru we've worked out. sometimes i wanna smack u when u get on my nerves but thats human nature and i love you.


is that SOOOOOOO hard?? ive been thru drama with my mom in the beginning but things have changed SOOO much for the better and its like it doesnt seem to have any effect. he always said, i cant wait til ya moms chills out, til she gets off ya back. and its like i been expecting so many good things after that. so now that she IS off my back, what now?


i'll tell you. NOTHING has happened. he use to wanna take me out to eat and now, he expects ME to make his ass suttin. the guy works hard all day and all, but do u see a ring on my finger? u see any babies runnin around?? NO and NO.


im feelin loveless and out of place, unappreciated and sometimes stepped on. but they say if it has the potential to last and be something great, you should work for it. ive told him before how i feel. i said that i wanna feel so many things for him and as soon as i do, something happens to make me wanna take it back becuz im scared im the only one feeling a certain way.


he just nodded, if u were wonderin what he said.


today he made it clear he doesnt trust me.

i told him about a friend of mine, BRANDON, which is my best fuckin friend since i was 5 years old. he came down from florida for the summer & hes coming over tomorrow & spendin the weekend with me & my mom. its not like we're gonna be in the house doing nothin, we're gonna be out in a barbeque & the movies. thats why i love chillin with brandon. we have fun. we actually do stuff. like last year !


but. apparently, elijah feels bothered by it. and in a way i knew he would. which is why i shouldnt have said anything but if i cant tell him then that doesnt show anything good. he said, "im trying to put it on the other foot so i wont feel a certain way about it but i cant. i mean its like, what if i had a friend that i known since i was growing up spend the weekend with me? if she spendin the weekend with me it aint no friendship thing"....and i kept asking him. does it bother u? does it bother u? and he wud say no. even though i know it did. but thats my friend. i known him since forever. im not even attracted to him to even wanna do something that would mess up our friendship. thats my therapist. i tell him everything INCLUDING elijah.


he said he doesnt trust any females. "its not you specifically, its just females in general." which sounded STUPID, seein as that i AM a female so i would be included in that general group he was talkin about. i dont know. then another thought comes into my head that maybe i DO love him already and im in denial. im just tellin myself, no no no so i wont get hurt again. i put this wall up so he wont get too close to me. i feel like hes so insecure for no reason. ive never given him a reason to not trust me. if somebody shudnt be trustin somebody it shud be me not trustin him. in the beginning he lied about his age and his last name. so WTF.


i think im too nice for him. i think that even though he stayed with me when my mom was on her shit, im not gonna bow down and act like i owe him my life. i appreciate him alot for staying and i appreciate everything he did but it takes 2. i also went thru drama and more than HE did becuz i LIVED with my mom thru that crap we went thru.


i dont know what to do...

denial is such a powerful thing.

and i think maybe im IN it.



[sigh] what should i do...